Thursday, February 2, 2017

A Writer's Insecurity

I might be weird.

Maybe I'm the only one who does this.

Totally possible.

But let me give you a tiny peek inside my brain.

I'm going to use this blog post as an example, but take this and change a few details and you'll get the picture of how this plays out in the general "publishing" world for me too.

So I sat down to write this blog.

I'm thinking -- what should I write about, right?

Sometime other writer's might identify with. A good how-to post, maybe?

Eh, maybe not. I mean, who am I, right? I am no expert writer. Who is little ol' me to tell other writer's how to write? I mean, I'm not a HORRIBLE writer.

But there are So. Many. Better. Ones. SOOOOoooo many.

So tips on writing--maybe another day. Maybe after I learn something from someone else and can pass along the message or something.

What about the writing journey? OHhhh, yeah, maybe something about how I--

How I.....

How I what? I mean--I've probably written a hundred posts on juggling motherhood and a day job and writing. How much more could people want to hear from me? There are SO many people who do it better. GEEZ, just look on the Alley at all the other cats. Cara -- multi-published author, homeschooling mom, LAWYER, ACFW board member? Just to name a few? SHE should write about that. And Pepper. Holy cow, she does it so FLAWLESSLY too. Me? I'm sitting here trying to write this STUPID post with heaps of paper piled around me, an empty Dr Pepper bottle, a dirty glass that has probably been there for three days, a plastic baggy full of my daughter's dirty clothes they had to change her out of in school last week (I might just need to throw that away....) kids crayons, books, a hairbrush, the baggie of books I'm supposed to be reading with my youngest but haven't in over a week because I've been busy and honestly I'm just now seeing it peeking out from under the mounds of paper, and my Bible that I REALLY REALLY need to read more.

So yeah. Not talking about juggling unless I want to say how much of a failure I am at--I guess I could post a picture (I'm not...) to make y'all feel better about your own juggling.

Okay, so if not that then -- what?

 I sit here and am all like, Lord, what in the world am I qualified to write about on this blog?!?

I have this picture of him smiling in my head and being all like "Well, you're SUPER good at being insecure about yourself. Might try taking a stab at writing THAT."

Ha. Ha. Ha.

But then I almost started to laugh. Because how right he was.

So I'm going to crack open that Bible that's been underused, sitting on my desk, and share a few verses.

Romans 12 (NLT) - And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice -- the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don't think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us."

I LOVE this scripture. Seriously. If y'all haven't read Romans lately, go do it. The whole thing. It is awesome! 

As I was thinking about the topic of insecurity, this verse played in my head. Low and behold, I picked up my Bible and I SERIOUSLY opened to this page. Not lying. I made red the two verses I think really apply.

God wants to CHANGE THE WAY WE THINK. And I think that includes the sometimes incessant  need to put ourselves down and focus on all our flaws. We're humans. We aren't perfect. NONE of us are. But I know for me, I look at my writing and at my life and feel so very unworthy of this calling. I don't feel good enough, and I'm right. I'm NOT good enough. But God is. I think for me that's where my changed thinking comes in. To remember that even though my offerings might seem meager and imperfect to my human eyes, they are pleasant aromas to God, and he can use them in greater ways than I could ever dream. 

And then on the opposite side, I do think it's important to be honest with ourselves. Our insecurity can easily swing the pendulum to arrogance in thinking we are AMAZING and everyone needs to read our stuff because we are SO STINKIN' AWESOME!

So if I'm honest with myself, and try looking at things through God's lens and not my own, I can say --

I am not a perfect writer. But God has gifted me to be a good writer and has called me to use and hone that gift.

I am not a perfect singer. And God hasn't gifted me to be a good singer so I'm gonna sing for fun but you won't find me in front of a church, singing in the choir.

I am not a perfect mom. But God has gifted me with four beautiful daughters and has called me to lead them and guide them and help mold them into women of God.

I am not a perfect house cleaner or organizer. And God hasn't gifted me in that matter either. I'm gonna take an hour this afternoon to try to clean up the mess that is my desk/dining room table--but I know in a week or two it will be crazy again. And I'm okay with that.

I am not a perfect wife. But God has gifted me with a husband who loves me and cares about me and I will aim every day to be a better wife than I was the day before, and am so thankful by the grace of God and through the hard work of my hubby and me, we have a strong marriage.

So that's me.

Not perfect.

A little insecure--but trying to be realistic about it.

What about you? Do you have insecurities in your writing/life that you could use a honest, fresh look at?


Angie Quantrell said...

Perfectly expressed! I do the same thing to myself. I'm so glad we have a mighty God we serve! Thanks for the reminder. :) P.S. Enjoy the chaos. My two are out of the house. It went so fast. I know they always say that, but it's true! Just yesterday I was pregnant. Today I'm a Nana of 5. And those precious ones are growing up too fast!

Susan Anne Mason said...

I totally relate, Krista! My dining room table was perfect for Christmas! Now, the piles have mysteriously returned!